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Database Shampoo?

There’s a genre of hair products called normalizing shampoos.  The general idea is that they clean the oil away but still don’t dry out your hair too badly.  I’ve used a certain normalizing shampoo for years, but, alas, the brand has finally been discontinued.  I’m almost done with the last bottle I have, and I’d like to memorialize my beloved normalizing shampoo with some parting philosophical questions.

I wonder how the shampoo has helped me over the years.  Has my hair reached fifth normal form?  What would that look like?  And how long did it take?  A week?  A year?  Did it work faster for me because I’m a database specialist?  What happens if a statistician uses it?  A ballerina?  Can red hair achieve 5NF?  Really long hair?  Dreadlocks?

Does Chris Date know about normalizing shampoo, and does he approve?  (The answer might depend on the shampoo’s policy on nulls.  Mr. Date is quite opinionated about nulls.)  Is E. F. Codd spinning in his grave?

What will happen when I stop using the shampoo?  Will my hair lose all normal form?  Will repeating groups tumble down my shoulders and back?  Will newly emboldened non-2NF-compliant keys stop cowering behind the conditioner bottle and leap into my ears?  Will transitive dependencies accumulate on the shower curtain, causing an odd odor?

Do any of my database friends out there have any perspective on these things?  As I begin the switch to a moisturizing shampoo, I’d like to know what to expect on the journey ahead.

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