2018 Holiday Parody

Adapted from “Twas the Night Before Christmas”

DBA with Christmas bonus in her hands

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the office
Not a creature was stirring, not even the bosses.
The stockings were hung on the cube walls with care,
In hopes that our bonuses soon would be there.

The sys admin in tie dye, wearing sandals with socks,
Leaned back at his desk, thinking how much he rocks.
The DBAs were nestled all snug in their chairs,
When a cloud of smoke began to pour down the stairs!

And on the next floor there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter.
To the computer room I flew like a flash,
I even ran faster than memory cache.

No smoke was flowing from the new disk array,
So then from it I turned my attention away,
When what to my wandering eyes did appear,
But a 3U network rack with much Cisco gear,
With blinky green network lights so lively and quick,
To blame those routers would be impolitic.

More rapid than eagles I turned on my heel,
To find the next subject of my searching zeal.
Now, servers! now, firewalls! now tapedecks and cables!
Now, keyboards! now, mousepads! now dataport labels!
What is the problem? Whence comes all that smoke?
The fire department I wish not to provoke.
The whole room I’ve searched, the problem’s not here;
This building cannot burn down, it hosts my career!

So down the way toward the kitchen I flew
With a bucket of water, and the sys admin too.
A frantic voice then we heard down the hall,
“How could it go SO WRONG with a popcorn ball?”
As we drew closer in and were looking around,
Out the kitchen the help desk intern leapt with a bound.
His shirt was quite scorched, and he exclaimed, “Aw, hell!”
And his clothes were all splattered with hot caramel.

From his eyes a glow of sadness came,
More dejected than a decommissioned mainframe.
“I wanted to make our Christmases merry,
With the best popcorn balls, quite extraordinary!
I brought sugar and butter and kernels of corn,
But it went all awry, and I’m very forlorn.”

A film of white powder adorned the floor,
And through it the CIO traipsed to the fore.
“Might I ask, at the risk of sounding obtuse:
How did the fire extinguisher come into use?”
He was decked out in velvet, dressed up as an elf,
And I feared when I heard him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And swept up the smoking popcorn, with no hint of irk.
He carefully rid the walls of much butter,
And dismissed the firemen who’d arrived aflutter.

Then he said, “About that extra year-end check:
You clowns sure don’t deserve one, but what the heck?”
He sprang to his office, and to the HR team gave a shout,
And away they all flew, handing those bonuses out.
And I heard him exclaim, ere he ran out of sight —
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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